Shame on the Church

Now that I got your attention, let me explain what I mean by “shame on the church.” I’m not saying it as an indictment or an accusation, but as a matter of fact: there is shame on the church. That is, so many members of the church are being crushed under an incredible burden of shame.

If we close our eyes to it and refuse to even discuss it, aren’t we guilty of the same thing the Pharisees were in putting ‘cumbersome loads on people’s shoulders and not willing to lift a finger to move them’ (Matthew 23:4)? In contrast, this is the heart of Jesus…

¹⁶ He [Jesus] went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. He stood up to read, ¹⁷ and the scroll of the prophet Isaiah [61:1-2] was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:

¹⁸ “The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
    because he has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
    and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
¹⁹     to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

To my fellow followers of Jesus, I ask you, isn’t the Spirit of the Lord on us to do the same? Yes, “to proclaim freedom for the prisoners” and “to set the oppressed free.”

It’s been a year since I shared my story in my book, “Journey to Freedom: Victory from Addiction Is Closer than You Think!” And, I’ll be honest, I expected it to be received much better than it has been (mostly because I‘m absolutely sure the Lord directed me to write and share my story). And for sure, I did not expect it to receive a negative reaction in our so-called “enlightened age.” Yet, it’s clear to me, the church, as a whole, does not want to talk about pornography and that we should continue to let sleeping dogs lie.

But I can’t shut up. Jesus has taken my shame away! He has set me free and I’m free indeed! And I want the whole world to know it, especially my fellow captives. There is hope! Don’t give up! I have realized the freedom Jesus promised us and life to the full! In fact, I’ve been walking in complete sobriety for eight years now. And YOU can too!

So, what’s the problem? WHY do we not want to talk about pornography? I think I figured it out.

One website tells us that porn “addiction” affects 5-8% of adults, yet another says that 91.5% of men and 60.2% of women report having consumed pornography in any given month. If you put those two stats together, they tell us this: most people do not want to be stigmatized with the label “porn addict” even though they don’t or “can’t” say no (after all, if it was a monthly heroin fix, wouldn’t we still call it addiction?). These stats also tell us that we know lots of people who are “struggling” in this area but are in hiding because this sin has been so stigmatized and especially in the church. After all, don’t all porn addicts become rapists or pedophiles? Well, don’t they? Of course not! Reality simply doesn’t back this ridiculous fear up.

In logic we call it the fallacy of composition: just because something can be, doesn’t mean it must be. Case in point, just because marijuana can be a gateway to harder and more addictive drugs, doesn’t mean it must be. And reality backs this up too as most people who’ve sampled pot (or even have smoked it on a regular basis) have never even tried addictive opioids.

With that said, if we are to overcome this terrible and rampant problem that is destroying our marriages (yes, even Christian marriages), our families (yes, even Christian families), and our lives (yes, even Christians and even pastors…MANY pastors!), then we better start overcoming our knee-jerk reaction to thinking the absolute worst about someone when they begin to inch their way out of the closet with their struggles in this area. IF we can do that, then we can also stop whitewashing our problem in this area by using words like “struggling.” The fact is if you can’t say “no,” you’re addicted whether that’s to food or to coffee or to shopping or to alcohol or to drugs or to pornography (which, by the way, technically can be any image one lusts about and not just ones we see with our eyes…OUCH!). And don’t forget, admitting you’re an addict is the first step in overcoming being an addict.

So, we need to talk about this “elephant in the room,” and we need to do so in a way that is courageous, gracious, and loving. It’s not easy coming out of the closet and especially when you fear that some people will think (and even accuse) you of the worst. But, if you can do that, it’s in the simple (though difficult) act of sharing our sins that enables the power of God to begin to work so profoundly in our lives in the way of healing and setting us on a course towards freedom; “…confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you might be healed…” (James 5:16). This is how it happened for me.

Years and years ago, God gave me a waking vision of a church where I was the pastor, and it was safe to be honest and vulnerable (by the way, when God gave me this vision, I wanted out of vocational ministry). And in that vision, God showed me that I had to lead the way if that church was to become a reality. So, when I became a lead pastor, this became my goal.

For sure it wasn’t easy to do. Like a wounded puppy dog, I inched my way out of the closet. At first, I admitted that I “had” struggled with pornography “in the past” (which was true, but not the whole truth). Some people told me that I needed to quit even talking about pornography. Yet I wanted to be a God-pleaser and not a man-pleaser, so I stuck to God’s plan and kept inching forward. Then one day, I just did it. I admitted that I “still” struggled from “time to time.” This seemingly little thing kicked the closet door wide open…but not just for me. That morning someone else gained the courage to admit they were struggling, which started the process toward healing and freedom for them.

Last year, about a month after my book came out, the Lord showed me something really cool about those times that I gutted up the courage and shared my sins with the people I pastor. All those years, as I inched out of my closet, I thought I was just being obedient trying to help the people I lead. However, the Lord showed me that not only was I helping them, they were helping me! (“…confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you might be healed…”). Furthermore, our church had now become the church I had seen in my vision almost thirty years ago.

The Sunday I shared this observation with our church, another cool thing happened. Afterwards, we went out to lunch with some friends and as we talked about the service, one of the young ladies in our church remarked, “We have to talk about this issue as it is a huge problem in our world today.” And then another miracle happened. As her husband confessed that he had struggled in this area, she replied, “I wish I would have known. I would have been praying for you.” No judgment. No offense taken. No accusations of betrayal. Instead, grace and love extended. And then the miracle happened. You could see it in his countenance as his heart began to heal and the weight of shame was removed. Simply beautiful.

If you’d like to read my story (or share it with someone else), you can purchase it on Amazon.com here. If you can’t afford it, let me know and I’ll give/send you a free copy. And if it helps you or someone you love, will you consider giving me a review on Amazon and/or letting me know about it? And/or if you’d like me to share my story with your church or men’s group, just email me at m.l.steinmeyer@gmail.com.

Mel